I saw this on Craigslist and had to re-post it. Too good.
FS: 1997 Jeep Cherokee (XJ)
220K Miles, 4.0 L in-line 6, 4WD, AUTOMATIC Transmission, Bright Red, Straight Stock, Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense. POWER MIRRORS! Woo Hoo! $1750
Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee. This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import. It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character. It's a Jeep. It rides like a Jeep. It drives like a Jeep. All of these are GOOD things. It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used. This will be apparent in the pictures.
- If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
- If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
- If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and ***** a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
- If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bull**** job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
- If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
- If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid ****: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
- Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?
- Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?
- While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?
- Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
- Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
- When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
- Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
- Could you not care less?
- Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
- Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
- Do you still miss your first ride?
- Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
- Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?
- Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion? If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
- I am the second owner. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
- I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
- The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points. I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.
- It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter! If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!
- Rear bumper has a big-*** crease in it. I dented it backing into a concrete pole. Sober. We drove away giggling, for the record. Haven't fixed it.
- Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
- Radiator has a small leak. Pinhole. I can replace the radiator or you can. Really doesn't matter A new radiator and hoses will run $145. If you don't want to replace them I will. Add $250 to the price of vehicle. This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer). A freaking bargain.
- The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.
- Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly
- Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles. I haven't upgraded because I had plans: Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires. Life got in the way - it ain't happening.
- Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter's idea, take it up with her.
- Flogging Molly sticker stays as well. They kick ***, so there.
-Why are you selling?
I can't justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money. Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.
-What's wrong with it?
Radiator. Small oil leaks. Driver's side door cosmetic issues. And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.
-Does the 4WD work?
Hell yes. Like a Dickensian Orphan.
-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?
No. I'm not in the salvage business. Buy the Jeep. Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.
-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?
No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number] Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of **** honda project down the road. I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.
-Why is it still stock?
Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project. I haven't had the time to do so. So I am selling it.
-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?
I don't give a ****. But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!
-Would this make a good car for my daughter?
Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance. Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.
-Can you deliver?
Within reason. I'd drive it a hundred miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.
-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?
Would you take a ball peen hammer to the forehead? No. I'll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don't show.
-Will you ship to -?
No. See above.
-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?
That's great, I don't give a ****. Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750. Why? Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I'd rather keep it. But if it's going to a good home - I will sell. Unless you're an ******* - then no sale.
-Why are you such a dick?
Everything is relative; you should see my friends.
Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.
Here's another good one , posted it once before but thought I'd post it again for those who may of missed it ... Enjoy !
I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.
You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.
So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.
This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.
It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney *****! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.
If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of ****. Cause this thing has drain holes in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.
If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.
And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.
If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this **** will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked….
1. More chest hair.
2. You’re growing a beard.
3. Meat Only Diet.
4. T-Rex for a pet.
5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.
6. Your car carries five kegs.
7. ***** enlargement.
8. Catch more fish.
9. Wire bristled toothbrush.
10. Sex in the yard.
11. Sex in the garage.
12. All male offspring.
13. Chiseled jaw line.
14. Not giving a damn.
15. Flesh turning to steel.
16. Higher salary
18. Better looking wives.
19. Better looking mistresses.
20. More golfing
21. More killing stuff.
22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.
23. More tools in your garage.
24. Bigger TV
25. Wife takes out the trash
26. Four Wheel Drive
27. Wife brings trash can in from road.
28. Wife stops *****ing about clothes on floor.
29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.
30. Chuck Norris.
31. John McCain
32. Steaks for dinner.
33. Winning the Lottery.
34. Women on the side.
35. Wrestling with bea
36. Building **** out of stone.
37. Riding Lawn Mower.
38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.
39. Bar Fights.
40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.
41. Craftsman Tools.
42. Jay Bisset.
43. Welding stuff.
44. Digging holes.
45. Huge Piece of meat.
Put your GPS back in your purse.
Sounds good doesn’t it?
This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.
But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think about it