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Unread 01-15-2006, 02:23 PM   #1
JeepCrazy2288
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What do you think?

HAVE YOU EVER

Have you ever heard a bird
The sound of its mating chirp,
Or the soft gently sound
Of a waterfall’s burp.

Have you ever seen a leaf
Fall towards the ground,
Or been in the depths of a reef
Where there isn’t a sound?

Have you ever seen the sky
Filled with white fluffy clouds,
Or heard the cry
of newly born birds?

Have you ever felt the rain
Beat on your face,
Or been on a plane
Flying through space?

Have you ever felt the breeze
Of the cold winter air,
Or the snow freeze
As it frosts your hair?

Have you ever built a snowman
Out of newly fallen snow,
Or watched the snow glisten
On an evergreen row?

Have your ever danced when it rained
With the person you love,
Or listened to thunder
As it crackled from above?

Have you ever been so determined
That nothing else mattered,
Or been so discouraged
Your whole world shattered?

Have you ever laughed so hard
That you couldn’t breath,
Or for hours on end cried
hurting with just grief?

Have you ever been kissed
By your lifelong crush,
Or felt like you missed
On love blinded by lust?

Have you ever tasted something so sweet
That is tasted sweeter than honey,
Or felt something so great
It couldn’t be bought with money?

If you’ve never experienced
Any of this bliss,
You can never imagine
Just how much that has been missed.


I'm writing this poem...hoping to get a $5,000 scholarship for college? What do you think?

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Unread 01-15-2006, 05:15 PM   #2
NEWtoTHEjeepLIF
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Truthfully its a little generic..... I like the Idea but you are going about it just the same way that most 17 year old girls would go about it......

As a writer the only thing that you have to offer to the world is creativity. You have to be original if you want to stand out..... Rhyming is over-rated...

I can tell you were working from the heart and that is the whole key, But you need to not worry about what other people are going to think... It seems like there are times when you add words that don't need to be there just so you can keep the flow of the rhyme.....

My idea would be try writing more from your heart, If you want to write something then write it, DON'T stop your flow in order to find a word that rhymes, DON'T add words in order to keep a sing-song feeling..

If you write it without so much Rhyme then you get to be alot more free with your feelings and writing..... Rhyming will only hold you back and will never improve the quality of your poem...

My best advice would be try to forget everything you were taught in High-school about "how" to write....and just let it flow for a few pages....
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Unread 01-15-2006, 10:21 PM   #3
JeepCrazy2288
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New peom

How's this one any better? Still kept with the rhyming.

A DAUGHTER'S REQUEST

I’m ready to fly, ready to break free,
Although you may cry, it’s the way it must be.
I need to explore, so please let me flee,
I need to be able to sore, don’t you agree?
I’m ready to see new lands, let me strive,
The wheels in my hands, I’m ready to drive.
I’m your baby girl, your little sweetie,
But just give this a whirl, I’m still your baby.
I’ll make you so proud, just let me take the dive,
I’ll stand out of the crowd, I want to feel alive.
I know I took you by surprise, I knew I would,
You could see by my eyes, this wouldn’t be good.
I know you’re upset, but you saw this day in sight,
Things you’ve taught me I’ll never forget, you know you’ve raised me right.
So this is my plea, my last request,
I wish to be free, will you let me out of the nest?
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Last edited by JeepCrazy2288; 01-15-2006 at 11:15 PM..
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Unread 01-15-2006, 11:10 PM   #4
C2U5H
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On the second poem, it seems like you're trying to work loosely with Iambic Pentameter (with some variations of course).

^ = stressed syllable
` = unstressed syllable

^`` ^`` ^`` ^

` ^ ` ` ^ ^ ` ^
I need to explore, let me flee

If you're trying to keep a constant flow (true to the form, that is), try to keep your iambic form, so the flow isn't comprimised...but this also gives "let me flee" more meaning than the rest of the lines just because it's different.

` ^ ` ` ^ ` ^ ` ` ^
I need to explore, so please let me flee
so just let me flee
or just ^ ` ` ^
so let me flee

It's just a simple suggestion, im a junior English major at St. Mary's College of MD, so I'm positively sure that NEWtoTHEjeepLIF has more real world experience than me and has more useful information than I. I'm just writing down what I was thinking while reading...take it as you will!

~J
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Unread 01-15-2006, 11:13 PM   #5
JeepCrazy2288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepinTJ99
On the second poem, it seems like you're trying to work loosely with Iambic Pentameter (with some variations of course).

^ = stressed syllable
` = unstressed syllable

^`` ^`` ^`` ^

` ^ ` ` ^ ^ ` ^
I need to explore, let me flee

If you're trying to keep a constant flow (true to the form, that is), try to keep your iambic form, so the flow isn't comprimised...but this also gives "let me flee" more meaning than the rest of the lines just because it's different.

` ^ ` ` ^ ` ^ ` ` ^
I need to explore, so please let me flee
so just let me flee
or just ^ ` ` ^
so let me flee

It's just a simple suggestion, im a junior English major at St. Mary's College of MD, so I'm positively sure that NEWtoTHEjeepLIF has more real world experience than me and has more useful information than I. I'm just writing down what I was thinking while reading...take it as you will!

~J

I didn't even noticed the IP at all lol. Wasn't really trying to do that but it makes it seem better. I will fix the Let me flee so it fits the IP.
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Unread 01-15-2006, 11:54 PM   #6
Awshux
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Make sure you have someone review these for spelling/grammatical/typographical errors before you submit them, or you'll be done before you start. In the first poem: "gently" should be "gentle", "breath" should be "breathe," and "That is tasted sweeter than honey" should be "That it tasted sweeter than honey." In the second poem, "sore" should be "soar."
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Unread 01-16-2006, 12:23 AM   #7
Windsor
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I have Coldplay's "Speed of Sound" song in my head. Your 2nd poem matches up to it - at least to me. I don't know much about poetry although I should change that as Robert Burns is my great great great..... grand daddy.
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Unread 01-19-2006, 07:10 PM   #8
NEWtoTHEjeepLIF
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepinTJ99
On the second poem, it seems like you're trying to work loosely with Iambic Pentameter (with some variations of course).

^ = stressed syllable
` = unstressed syllable

^`` ^`` ^`` ^

` ^ ` ` ^ ^ ` ^
I need to explore, let me flee

If you're trying to keep a constant flow (true to the form, that is), try to keep your iambic form, so the flow isn't comprimised...but this also gives "let me flee" more meaning than the rest of the lines just because it's different.

` ^ ` ` ^ ` ^ ` ` ^
I need to explore, so please let me flee
so just let me flee
or just ^ ` ` ^
so let me flee

It's just a simple suggestion, im a junior English major at St. Mary's College of MD, so I'm positively sure that NEWtoTHEjeepLIF has more real world experience than me and has more useful information than I. I'm just writing down what I was thinking while reading...take it as you will!

~J
I would have to agree with what he said..... When it comes to Rhymes in Poetry there are alot of rules to follow to make sure that you don't come off corny. Ther are many good books on simple stuff like "how to write poems" and "how to understand what rhyming pattern to use" and often just reading poetry that you like will help.
One idea is to read poems that you really really like, and try to decide what it is that you like about them. I bet it will be the feeling and the flow of the poem rather that the actually words that are used. IMHO a good poem will flow off the tounge like a Song. Now this does not mean that it has to rhyme like a song or follow the pattern of a song, it shoud just be easy like a song. You shouldn't have to break your thought or cadence while reading it.
Often when working with rhymes you (anyone not just you) will stretch the phrase to make it rhyme or shorten it to make it fit... This breaks the flow of the poem, which is the most important part IMHO.....
There is one reason that I don't write poems even though I spend hours aday writting, It is because they are HARD! I don't like to write them becasue I have to think tooo much..
Everyone who has feelings thinks they are a poet at some time or another, the key is to be able to make the reader feel the same way that you do about a particular thing (whatever that may be......)
Good luck and like I said before (oh wait I didn't say it but meant to) Keep your head up. Writing is the hardest job in the world and it only gets harder..... For every piece of work you do that is accepted there will be 20 that get rejected. Keep writing cause its what you like to do and you will succeed!
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