[andr3w]

TOOL DEFINITIONS:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to
it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, ''What the...''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper..

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4
to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of
the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
wearing them.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
Oxfordshire and rounds them off.

****** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ''******'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

[Fett]

I have a few of those "******** tools". I had a ****** flashlight break on me last week. Momentum got the best of it.

[-Zona-]

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

LMAO!!!!!!

[GSU_DAVE]

What about the Ineedatool... as in the one tool you need to finish your project that you are 4 hours into and don't have.

[iluvtruenos]

Oh god, every single one of those is true.

I mean every single one.

[andr3w]

here are few more i found:

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

Timing Light:A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.

[ChickenOnAWire]

totaly crawled!!!!

[rokcrawler3203]

Man those are OLD! But still funny. I had a friend give me some of those on a piece of paper about 8 years ago.

[andr3w]

Originally Posted by rokcrawler3203

Man those are OLD! But still funny. I had a friend give me some of those on a piece of paper about 8 years ago.

Sorry if you had seen them before. My dad found them and sent them to me.

[-Deepskyy-]

GOOSE NECK RATCHET: Tool designed by Satanic Communists that when used properly will fold when maximum torque is being applied, slamming knuckles into suspension parts and your head into the fender that you are working beneath.

One of my very favorite devices. I've thrown more goose neck ratchets in anger than any other tool at my disposal.

[rokcrawler3203]

Originally Posted by andr3w

Sorry if you had seen them before. My dad found them and sent them to me.

Yeah, but they're still pretty funny. You should see the ones with the cartoon pictures to go with them...

I can't find them though.

[9EEP]

good stuff

[iluvtruenos]

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

[Mean Max]

Hmm....

http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f7/tool-definitions-653924/

Otherwise, Really funny stuff!

Max

[iluvtruenos]

Originally Posted by Mean Max

Hmm....

http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f7/tool-definitions-653924/

Otherwise, Really funny stuff!

Max

Yeaaa......this one's better than yours.