[maynardjay]

An Open Letter to Cerberus, Chrylser, Dan Quayle, and friends.Share
Today at 1:05am
Date: 1/14/09

Dear Cerberus Capital Management, Chrysler Corp., Dan Quayle, et al,

My friend and I would like to purchase your Jeep division. We can offer approximately $50,000 USD gold bullion cast into a model Jeep Wrangler. Our proposal should be accepted because every other option available to you at this juncture is part of a broader symphony of destruction that is crumbling the American automobile industry. That is not to say that selling the Jeep division to us would do anything to avoid that end. In fact it would probably hasten the charge of that black train down those doom tracks. Our offer is superior because if you don’t accept it, not only will you be held responsible for the collapse of one of our nation's largest economic drivers, but also for crushing the hopes and dreams of two young Jeep aficionados. Which is worse?

We present a few other advantages over our competitors. Our terms, while perhaps not as lucrative as others, involve a refreshingly simple take on M&A. Namely we give you the gold, you give us the keys to the facilities, we change the locks, no muss, no fuss, no sting, no stain, and most importantly, no paperwork. That way you will have more time to admire your golden Jeep before the UAW comes to eat you alive (mind you, they’ll be doing this anyway). Furthermore, we will take you out to dinner. Probably not somewhere fancy though, “belt tightening”… Never mind, we’ll explain that concept later.

Queue the extended metaphor gentlemen. Government sponsored foster care is not a good idea for the Jeep we all love so much, but neither is living under the same roof as it’s alcoholic parent company. Some have suggested that the interests of the child would be best served by sending it off to war in France. While something similar did get us out of a previous depression that might be overextending the metaphor. Obviously the only thing to do now is to have Jeep come live with the “uncles”. (No homo)

Don’t get us wrong. We don’t blame you for stifling the performance of the Jeep brand under the financial weight of some of the worst ideas on four wheels. We blame Lee Iacocca, and you should too.

Hit us back, yo.


Sincerely,

Emerson Lamb
VPIC “Not Much” – Bravura LLC

Jay Richards
Thinks fast, talks fast. He’s sharp.


PS. If y’all still own the Eagle name we’ll take that too.
PPS. Make sure Dan Quayle sees this, I’ve known since birth (see:1989) that anyone who is comfortable with looking that stupid in public must secretly be in charge.

[WillysEdition04]

I like it.

[maynardjay]

It was put in the mail today and we're expecting a counter offer soon.

[98muddyjeep]

I could kick in afew bucks to up the offer if it helps I just ask for a nice executive position

[jeepdavetj]

Careful, there might be an opinion about something or someone that could be construed as offensive or maybe not but either way, lets keep this thread going.

[black99]

thats awesome, well written too. i cant wait to see what Chrysler has to say back to that. make sure you post the reply, if they even do

[DixiesCJ3B]

thats great, ill put in some money, but i want to have a position where i get to offroad test all the prototypes

[JAW_WRANGLER]

Thread Crawled!.. interested in seeing what they say!

[RollerHman]

the best parts were "no homo", "hit us back" and "see 1989"

[BriansCJ]

Yes we have to buy Jeep and produce cjs again for a modest price and only sell 4WD models

[maynardjay]

Thanks for the support. We may have some employment opportunities for those of you who expressed interest, especially if you give us money beforehand.

[Mike318_]

, i want to see the return letter from jeep.

[etjoyride]

I'll throw in a few grand I'll look at it as an investment into my off-road future - since clearly no money will come from this

[Lifesgoodhere]

Oh I sent a letter asking about Jeeps plans for building a Jeep Truck for the civilian market awhile back. I got a good 3 page response on a few of their long term plans...

this reply letter should be interesting.

[polo196]

i'm in for a grand or two... All I want out of it is to move the testing area to the Chrysler Proving Grounds in Arizona and a double wide on the property with a fully stocked garage.