thoughts, parents still hang out with your ex? - JeepForum.com
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post #1 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
underpowered
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thoughts, parents still hang out with your ex?

gonna be somewhat long, but cliffs here at the beginning. Wife cannot stand ex GF, my parents still stay in contact with the EX and a recent resurgence in frequency as the ex has a baby. Mother does not understand why it bothers my wife, wife does not understand why my Mother still stays in contact with the Ex.


so, the long version.

married for 4 years, together with wife for over 8. so this ex is nothing recent. My mother liked her from day 1 when they first met. even after the initial break up about 9 years ago, my mother would talk to her about it. NBD to me, it was mutual terms and we were not at odds.

Started dating my Wife, she knew the EX (smallish town) and had prior issues with her. her being my ex just added fuel to this fire. they tried to get along, but didn't work out. Pretty much the ex drifted off and out of our lives. My mother still kept in touch, but it was just occasional email or something. The ex actually moved out of state for a couple years.

Fast forward to now. Ex is now married, and had a kid. I still have no contact with her but she is in constant contact with my mother. She is at my parents more often than i am. It drives my wife insane. My mother has no idea how much it bothers my wife and the wife just doesn't get why my mother feels the need to see the Ex. we have tried expressing how much it bothers my wife to my mother and she see's as no big deal, which i agree as i am not to tell my mother who she can befriend.

The issue arises when my mother invites her to do things instead of my wife. I'll admit, my mother has never taken too my wife as she did my ex, but when the wife tries to connect with my mother, the Ex seems to be there already with plans instead. My mother does have enough respect and thought to not invite both to the same things.

so my question to JF is, what would you do? i'm stuck between the two hearing from my mother about how she does not understand my wifes issue with the Ex and hear from the wife about why she does not get my Moms need to "mother" my ex GF and be a stand in Grandmother for her child.

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post #2 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 01:19 PM
Shadownwpa
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Seriously? Does mom still do your laundry? (I hope not)

Your mom needs to know her role, and as a grown man it doesn't include undermining your marriage.

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post #3 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 06:30 PM
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And if your WIFE has a problem with, so do you. No ifs ands or buts about it. It's very simple, until your mother stops seeing your ex, you don't see her.

Now having said all that I haven't seen either of my 2 brothers in 3 yrs and can't really be bothered to see my parents because of all the drama they all love to belong to.

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post #4 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 07:16 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Jeep Brian View Post
And if your WIFE has a problem with, so do you. No ifs ands or buts about it. It's very simple, until your mother stops seeing your ex, you don't see her.

Now having said all that I haven't seen either of my 2 brothers in 3 yrs and can't really be bothered to see my parents because of all the drama they all love to belong to.

I agree with the first sentence there, Hence why i brought it up. However, it is not as simple as your second sentence, it is more complex for a multitude of reasons. I wish it were a cut and dry situation but i cannot abandon my mother simply because she chooses to befriend someone i do not care to associate with any longer.

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post #5 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 07:26 PM
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Has it not occurred to anyone that your mother has the right to have friends of whom your wife does not approve just as you have the right to have friends of whom your mother does not approve?

If the friction is known and out in the open, it isn't unreasonable to make sure your mother knows you'd appreciate it if your wife didn't have to encounter the woman at her house but otherwise, it is neither yours or your wife's business who your mother is friendly with.

Your wife needs to deal with the fact that you and your ex are OVER and that's the end of it. It really does sound a bit unhealthy, frankly. It isn't like it just happened a few months ago, it is history.

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post #6 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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Has it not occurred to anyone that your mother has the right to have friends of whom your wife does not approve just as you have the right to have friends of whom your mother does not approve?

If the friction is known and out in the open, it isn't unreasonable to make sure your mother knows you'd appreciate it if your wife didn't have to encounter the woman at her house but otherwise, it is neither yours or your wife's business who your mother is friendly with.

Your wife needs to deal with the fact that you and your ex are OVER and that's the end of it. It really does sound a bit unhealthy, frankly. It isn't like it just happened a few months ago, it is history.
This, This is almost exactly my opinion on it. I have tried getting it through to both sides but to no avail.

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post #7 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 09:01 PM
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I couldn't word it any better than Nuthin so I'll just say I 100% agree with her.
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post #8 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 09:03 PM
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The solution is simple, stop caring. Let your mom be friends with the ex, in the end, it has no bearing on your life. Your mom is just trying to be part of the joy your ex is having since she just had a kid, it's fun to her so let her have fun.

If your mom really cares about you and your family, she will make the time to connect with your family. Somehow your going to need to explain to your wife that she needs to stop caring and let your mom be, what your mom does has no bearing on you or the relationship because in your wife's mind currently...it does when it shouldn't.
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post #9 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 09:06 PM
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Seems kinda weird to me. Mom should be more considerate of the wife's feelings if she ever expects to have a relationship with her own grandkids.

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post #10 of 46 Old 11-01-2015, 09:17 PM
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I just found a reason to appreciate my parents hatred for my ex, thanks

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post #11 of 46 Old 11-02-2015, 01:39 PM
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:cough: Oedipus complex :cough:
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post #12 of 46 Old 11-02-2015, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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:cough: Oedipus complex :cough:
i don't think you understand what an oedipus complex is, as an Oedipal complex is not at all related to this.

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post #13 of 46 Old 11-02-2015, 04:19 PM
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I know exactly what wikipedia says it is
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post #14 of 46 Old 11-02-2015, 05:21 PM
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Not sure what your full complication is as it seems to be more that we don't know... Good luck!

My wife and I have been together for 33+ yrs. and married for 30+. When we met I told her that I still had a friendship with my "almost mother-in-law" from a GF I had in the 70's. She understood and became great friends with her and her husband and a couple times a year we got together for dinners..... My old ex hated her mother for still being friends with both of us but she told her to mind her own business!

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post #15 of 46 Old 11-02-2015, 05:30 PM
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I'm still friends with a set of "almost-in-laws" (I even call them that, have for years). My parents stayed friends with one of my brothers' ex GFs for years, she was a God-Send when my Mom died.

Honestly, life is NOT a Homecoming Queen election where you get to "Vote for one ONLY".

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