[DaOne]

Some of you may have seen this before...but it's a good laugh, so here is for those who haven't seen it.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at
the Astrodome. These notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

---> Chili # 1 - Mike's Maniac Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with this.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

---> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.

---> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-faced
from all the beer.

---> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills. That 300lb. ***** is starting
to look HOT! Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

---> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground.
Adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
Chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

---> Chili # 6 Vera's Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= on myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

---> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered in chili, which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

---> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili.

[WhatWasIThinkin]

I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

[grandgirl]

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Although I'm guessing I liked it better than others because I live in south Texas and have been to a couple cook-offs.

[PrfctAggression]

I love hot chili.




















My ulcer doesn't.

[smittydog27]

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time....laughed till I cried

[mofo]

That was Awesome! Thanks I need a good laugh!


-mofo