[LoneJeeper]

from the Lonejeeper-reads-other-forums dept.

Manliness in danger of extinction

By Zach Parks

I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly.

I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym.

I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men.

Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass.

Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing -=-=-=-=-=-=s.

It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am.

Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a caf and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing, scotch.

Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctor's ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness.

When manly men aren't eating pieces of -=-=-=-= like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette.

Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking.

Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.

[NYSCARLETKNIGHT]

lol 10characters

[LandRover]

AAARRRRHHH

[Mudinyeri]

Scotch ... we're gonna drink; red meat ... we're gonna eat; lumberjacks ... what're we going to do with/to them?

[LoneJeeper]

ever play dodgerock with a lumberjack? they use axes you know.

lj

[tcourdin]

I thought it was scotch, lumberjacks, red meat, 4 wheeling and strippers?

[NEWtoTHEjeepLIF]

he goes to Oxford....Ahh the home of manly men.....

[Trippe]

zach parks wants to be denis leary...he's just got one problem..he ain't irish..parks is a scottish name..thats why he wants us to drink SCOTCH..huh? huh?..you see...scotch is a drink where women and lads whose boys have just dropped try to show they are tough as men..real men down irish whiskey by the pint glass...you've seen guinness pints?..imagine that with irish whiskey..they don't do that with scotch...i do agree with him on the games though his descriptions are kinda wussy...when my great-grandfather was a kid in ireland they played dodgeball with potatoes..and if you got hit and you went to the side where there was a guy named "the minister" who would punch you in the face..the position of minister was then given to the person who just got punched...and playing hide-and-seek..the person who was "it" was given a horseshoe..if you were found you had to stand there and get socked in the jaw by whoever was "it" with the horseshoe...you then had to the count of five to get up and be on your way to the base or you got a kick in the teeth...and god help you if you were caught hiding in a tree b/c who's "it" would yell "bird in the pot" and everyone hiding would come out and they'd throw rocks at you until you were knocked unconscious and fell outta the tree..then they'd take your clothes to sell in town and leave you there unconscious...and they didn't do it to become tough guys..they did it b/c they were bored...

[Mudinyeri]

Hmmm ... is that why the guys from Northern Ireland are always blowing things up ... they're bored?

Edit: Oh, yeah, the fact that he goes to Oxford is pretty ironic too.

[Trippe]

nonono...those guys are blowing stuff up for a reason...when they are bored they go to pubs and drink pints of irish whiskey and watch football..

[Mudinyeri]

Originally Posted by sl-

nonono...those guys are blowing stuff up for a reason...when they are bored they go to pubs and drink pints of irish whiskey and watch football..

Oh, OK. I'm German and Swedish so when I get bored I try to take over the world then go home and bang a tall blonde-haired, blue-eyed goddess.

It must be an Irish thing ... I just don't understand.

[RAAB3485]

Originally Posted by sl-

...when my great-grandfather was a kid in ireland they played dodgeball with potatoes..and if you got hit and you went to the side where there was a guy named "the minister" who would punch you in the face..the position of minister was then given to the person who just got punched......

That, is awesome.

[jeverett]

The Irish blow stuff up tor make them forget that they are not good enough to be Scottsmen.

[Trippe]

nah...we just haven't given up on the idea of booting the english outta our country..unlike the scots...

[mookarma]

Sounds to me like Zach Parks is upset that the collar popping kids are getting more ladies than he is. How many of Clint Eastwoods characters would be caught dead in the gym? Growing up in England (7-11yrs-ish) we played real football (soccer) with tennis balls on concrete. You made goal-posts out of sweatshirts and if you wouldn't dive to make a save you weren't gonna play. We didn't play dodgeball, which i doubt your great grandfather played either. We and he (probably) played something like "peg the pansy". You'd line up against a wall in a group and 1 or 2 people would throw things at you (last one on the wall gets to throw next). Generally the rules were if you used tennis balls you weren't allowed to move on the wall (ok, sometimes you were ), but conkers (think larger, heavier peach pits) you could move. We also walked 1.5 miles to/from school fall through spring. Uphill both ways . . . And there were plenty of kids who smoked and there's really no set age for kids to start drinking either.
But I don't claim to be a 'real man'.

(on another subject, I feel that if a kid lives within a mile of school and it's a safe enough area they should be denied bus service and made to walk. . but that's just my opinion).