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post #1 of 14 Old 06-24-2006, 09:16 PM Thread Starter
Wheels4186
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Man Laws...

MAN LAW

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:


(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:


(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


29: Pull out


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.


"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"


"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


We hope this clears up any confusion.


The International Council of Manhood, Ltd



Dave

Dave


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post #2 of 14 Old 06-24-2006, 11:35 PM
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post #3 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 12:43 AM
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post #4 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 02:13 AM
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post #5 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 05:37 AM
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Thats some good stuff.
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post #6 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 08:21 AM
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The Male Test.

How much of a man are you?


1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear- ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

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5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

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post #7 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 08:27 AM
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I got bored half way through....

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post #8 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 10:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Difranco
I got bored half way through....

your first name is Ani, isn't it?
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post #9 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 03:55 PM
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I like the bathroom one, but to me it is a code of silence once you walk through the door. conversation stops than restarts in the same spot once everyone is out of the restroom.

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post #10 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by violatedppl
I like the bathroom one, but to me it is a code of silence once you walk through the door. conversation stops than restarts in the same spot once everyone is out of the restroom.


LOL, yeh that is good....I like 17 too.


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post #11 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 04:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ubie
your first name is Ani, isn't it?
That would be my guess.
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post #12 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 04:23 PM
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The Man Test was better than the OP.

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post #13 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 05:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by violatedppl
I like the bathroom one, but to me it is a code of silence once you walk through the door. conversation stops than restarts in the same spot once everyone is out of the restroom.
x100.

10 chars
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post #14 of 14 Old 06-25-2006, 08:05 PM
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There is a whole set of Urinal rules too.

Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:



X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

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