I just don't know...
Found out tonight that the person in this world that I love more than anything, the person I'd die for, the person I'd kill for, the single person I've wanted to spend the rest of my life with for the past four years...
...has cervical cancer.
She has kept it from me since July, knowing how I'd react. Being on oppsite sides of the country most of the time is why that was possible. If the typing goes downhill, get over it as I'm getting drunk.
Talk about a -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=ing wake-up call. I had known she was sick, but could never get her to explain it over the phone. Saw her tonight (I'm in VA right now) and started pushing the subject. She told me and here I am, a few hours later, drinking beer, dealing with this realization. As I pulled out of her driveway I saw her through the kitchen window and the seriousness of this finally, somewhat, struck me. I doubt it's totally sunk in already. I had to pull over a few times to just sit there and cry so I wouldn't crash. Only two things in my life have caused me to cry. One, was my grandfathers funeral when I was seven or eight. Second, is her.
How the -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= do you deal with something like this? My usual method is to just bottle it up inside and wait for it to disappear. I don't see that working, AT ALL. This hit home. It has struck the very core of my being. It changes EVERYTHING. And here I am, with no clue on what to do. No clue on how to deal with this. I'm being stabbed right in the heart by three words. "I have cancer."
Eight weeks left of school and after that I'd be able to move back to the area to be with her all the time. If I do move back, this is going to be the longest eight weeks of my life. Sunday we're going to get togther and talk this out some more. The rest of today )saturday) is gong to be so difficult for me. She's had half a year to get used to this issue. I've had a few hours. It's still sinking in, and it's already ripping me apart.
I never would have guessed when I saw her and held her that she was sick in any way. She's your typical, healthy, beautiful, energetic 19 year old girl, with her whole life laid out in front of her waiting on her decisions. God, she's so beautiful. So vivacious. The absolute core of my being. And she has cancer... Something that can take her from me, completely destroy her, and I'm absolutely powerless to stop it. There's nothing I can do execpt deal with it, put up with it, accept it. That's not my way of doing things. This is going to change me in more ways than I realize.
I'm sitting here, drinking, and trying to deal with this. I have SARS or something totally kicking my *** (Ron and Jeff have heard my voice), and now I find out about this. My best half, the person I love with everything I have, the girl that knows more about me than I know about me, the only girl I've wanted to marry, the only girl I've wanted to have kids with, and now here she is, sick. Possibly leaving me and this world. Being eaten apart by a silent killer. A painful killer. A ruthless killer. A -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=ing prick. If cancer was a person I'd be hunting him down and killing him, no matter the consequences. I wouldn't care. As long as it would leave her alone, I'd be happy. You don't attack just her, you attack me as well, and I have no problems fighting until the end for her.
Yet there is nothing I can do. I work with my hands. I understand everything that can be fixed with my hands. Emotional problems, I don't understand. Most body problems, I don't understand. People are afraid of the unknown, the things they don't understand. I'm terrified. I have no idea what this cancer can lead to. This internet is too -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=ing slow, and I'm too impatient, for me to do any research on this, to try to learn more and see what she's really up against. I don't even understand the battle she's having to fight. It's all over my head and I have to wait until monday to get to researching. The more I know, the more I can help.
Cancer stole my grandfather from me. I have never known anybody who has survived cancer. Due to those past experiences, my view of cancer is a signed death warrant. I realize there are millions of people who beat it all the time, but I haven't met any of them. Out of sight, out of mind. I can't see that they're living a normal life. I can't see that they're now perfectly healthy. All I can see are caskets and funerals. Black robes and limo's. Processions and flowers. Sadness, heart-ache.... and death.
I'm terrified. For her and for me. I wish this was just a nightmare. But no, it's reality, and I have to find a way to cope with it. I have no choice in the matter. My opinions don't count. There is nothing I can do to change the verdict. I'm hopeless, and I'm useless. I'm lost.
Darkness is deaths ignorance, and the Devils time.
'96 Grand Cherokee Laredo
'93 Taurus SHO
'77 Corvette L-48
'74 Land Cruiser FJ40