F My Life

SGT Superman · 02-03-2009, 09:28 PM

http://www.fmylife.com/

Some funny stuff there.

**bman9089** · 02-03-2009, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf.

Nice site. Very funny.

**abnormal** · 02-03-2009, 09:51 PM

today I found a link to a site and spent 30 minutes reading it. FML

j/k, not bad.

spife7980 · 02-03-2009, 10:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeep-jeep-01

today I found a link to a site and spent 30 minutes reading it. FML

j/k, not bad.

yeah. i read to page 18 i think. some funny stuff on there.

SGT Superman · 02-03-2009, 10:25 PM

"Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML"

Now that is funny

POLBOSS · 02-03-2009, 10:58 PM

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

**WhiteOut** · 02-03-2009, 11:36 PM

Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude how could I say no...Turns out Alex is also a guys name. FML

Today ,I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I opened her car door for her and then slammed her leg in it upon closing. She will be in a cast for 6 weeks. FML

BLACKzj52 · 02-03-2009, 11:38 PM

omg thats some funny stuff

jocww · 02-04-2009, 01:40 AM

read to like pg 20

-Shoey- · 02-04-2009, 01:49 AM

Read to page 19. FML.

vikingxj · 02-04-2009, 03:24 AM

These are pretty funny!

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was tranny-night. FML

Today, I bit into a cereal bar and thought the inside was oddly damp. I took a look at it and saw a maggot worm wriggling around. Its friend was in my mouth. FML

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 2 hours with my boyfriend and the guy that I have been secretly having sex with for 6 months. FML

Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of ****. Then she proceeded to do nothing, and went back to bed. FML

Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "...I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

Today, I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much turkey at a family reunion. When I looked around the room over 20 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead of the Super Bowl. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

Today, my fiance "thought I should know" that she has a $125,000 student loan debt. FML

Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left. FML

Today, I found out my crush has a colostomy bag because she has no anus. FML

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriends recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and it's back two legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

Today, I was on a date with this girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but I elbowed her in the face instead. FML

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own **** and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

Today, I finally finished my 500 page manuscript and so went out to buy some paper to print it off. I get back home and find out my dad has infected my computer with a virus and the only way to save it was to wipe the hard drive, which he did. That script took me a year and I have no backup. FML

jackbauersmom · 02-04-2009, 04:05 AM

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

pure awesomeness.

timmyt · 02-04-2009, 10:26 AM

http://www.grouphug.us/ is good stuff as well

**ChicagoYJ** · 02-04-2009, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

****ing hilarious!