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Unread 05-04-2006, 10:23 AM   #1
Xwelder
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Chuck Norris

Not sure if this is a repost. I searched and didn't find it.

Enjoy

--Chuck Norris fun facts

When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.

Chuck Norris invented the apple.

Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.

Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.

P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris' paradise is war.

Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.

Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.

Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.

Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.

The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.

The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.

Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.

Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.

If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

Chuck norris invented the corndog.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Chuck Norris belives the hype.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.

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Unread 05-04-2006, 10:26 AM   #2
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More..
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  • Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
  • Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
  • CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
  • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  • A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
  • Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
  • The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
  • Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
  • Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
  • In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
  • Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
  • The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
  • Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
  • Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
  • Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
  • Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
  • Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
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Unread 05-04-2006, 10:45 AM   #3
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[QUOTE=Xwelder]Not sure if this is a repost. I searched and didn't find it.











Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

I'm afraid to look behind me now.
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Unread 05-04-2006, 10:52 AM   #4
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Well, I think it's been at least 3 days since the last new CN thread. Thanks.
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Unread 05-04-2006, 10:53 AM   #5
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Not sure if this is a repost, but can I fit 31 inch tires on a stock TJ?




I never seem to tire of the Chuck Norris facts though. And there were SOME new ones in there.
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Unread 05-04-2006, 11:01 AM   #6
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chuck norris is gay
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Unread 05-04-2006, 11:07 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by martinsburgjeep
chuck norris is gay
OMG I just heard a roundhouse kick coming from West Virginia.
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Unread 05-04-2006, 11:13 AM   #8
martinsburgjeep
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i've been meaning to start a whole anti-chuck norris craze, just haven't been inspired enough . . . stuff like

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he sleeps with Richard Simmons

If you are in the woods and you don't hear a sound, Chuck Norris is staring at your package through binoculars in the trees
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Unread 05-04-2006, 11:15 AM   #9
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Chyna so hard she grew a penis . . . and then Chuck Norris slept with shim
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Unread 05-04-2006, 11:15 AM   #10
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I don't know why but this one made me laugh.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
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Unread 05-04-2006, 11:17 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob99
I don't know why but this one made me laugh.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
he makes love TO Raymond
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Unread 05-04-2006, 11:38 AM   #12
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I think Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked our search engine as well...
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Unread 05-04-2006, 08:59 PM   #13
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Chuck Norris once ate three 72oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes beating it to child pornography, the little boys kind. Chuck Norris is a fat old pederass.
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Unread 05-04-2006, 09:35 PM   #14
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martinsburg and treetop, it has really been great knowing you guys....
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Unread 05-04-2006, 10:08 PM   #15
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I hate all of you.
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