Christmas Cheer -
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post #1 of 3 Old 12-06-2005, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Christmas Cheer

> Press Release via Internet
> From Santa Claus
> November 24, 2005
> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
> will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
> Virginia and North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
> Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the
> overwhelming current population of the earth, my
> contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
> and Elves Local 209.
> As part of the new and better contract I also get
> longer breaks or milk and cookies so keep that in
> mind.
> However, I'm certain that your children will be in
> good hands with your local replacement who happens to
> be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
> family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
> delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
> however, there are a few differences between us.
> Differences such as:
> 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
> presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
> sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
> insured by Smith and Wesson."
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
> that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
> moon pie] on the fireplace.-=-=And Bubba doesn't smoke a
> pipe.-=-=-=He dips a little snuff though, so please have
> an empty spit can handy.
> 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
> flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
> mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
> time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
> fireplace.
> 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
> Blitzen"when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
> hear, "On Earnhardt,on Andretti, on Elliott and
> Petty."
> 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by"Yee Haw!" And
> you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
> her'd dat!"
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
> sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
> back with the words "Back Off My A%& Fore I Come
> Backaire."
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
> on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
> be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
> you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
> Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
> Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
> patrol cars crashing into each other.
> And Finally,
> 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
> make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
> way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
> Sincerely Yours,
> Santa Claus
> Member of North American Fairies and Elves
> Union 1225


-I am a man. And I can change. If I have too. I guess.-
Red Green

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post #2 of 3 Old 12-06-2005, 02:54 PM
97tj stocker
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hahahahahaha genius!

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post #3 of 3 Old 12-06-2005, 02:55 PM
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He sent this out as well.. (I think Santa's pissed!)

Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ***
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..

The old lady *****es
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS

And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little -=-=-=-=s.

I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM

If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.

They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.

I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ***
And collect unemployment

There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....

When we do right, no one remembers. When we do wrong, no one forgets.
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