[Fred99TJ]

OMG I was crying and couldn't breath after reading this:

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you.
I was crying by the end.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a
chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could
have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.
Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.
I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it.
Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills.
This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ...
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had
given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it
from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames.
I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned >> >> peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers
at the last moment.**
I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.
He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth.
My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
__________________

[CapnDik]

"I crapped on myself when I farted..."

BWAHAHAHA!!!

[FourbyFour]

hahaha he sharted

[jeep-n00b]

Man, I haven't had good chili in a while.

[FlaJeepin]

Welcome to the 1990's

[JOliverGraham]

I had to stop midway through because I was laughing too hard at the office. Anything this funny is clearly not "work related"

[Dr. Marneaus]

sure i guess it was funny, but i didnt laugh....

[Kerovick]

hehe, I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone...

[cb19950]

haha that was great

[EJames1226]

I didnt even crack a smile

[RollerHman]

thats freakin hilarious. mainly because i watched a food network special on a chili cook-off competition yesterday.

[JeepHunter89]

Originally Posted by Switch1625

I didnt even crack a smile

Glad I'm not the only one.

[martinsburgjeep]

i went to a chili cock off about 3 weeks ago . . . it was fun until the booze wore off, now I'm sad all the time