[FourbyFour]

Washington , DC - (Dateline February 18, 2009)

President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer - Democrat. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi - Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid - Democrat - pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,"said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey."This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator **** Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

[Bennettj13]

LOLZ

I love it.

[jb4]

I love The Onion

[Prot]

What is sad is that with current elected officials, the above scenario is not out of the realm of possibilities.

[yjJeff]

I though that's how Pelosi got her job in the first place

[OregonVette]

Best post of the year 2009

[Juju]

Originally Posted by jb4

I love The Onion

x2. How do I always manage to miss gems such as this though?

[Yankee-Juliet]

roflmao..........

[nwiTJdave]

Siiiigh. should i just commit suicide to get it over with? I mean honeslty these turd bags in office need to stop caring for the lazy. i have these reallly really fat people that live above me. the husband has never had a really steady job but now he almost OD'ed and has drank himself to liver failure that he now collects disabilty for the rest of his life(hes only like 28) allowing his wife to stop working and just sit at home all day eating food and getting fatter and fatter all at our expense for actually working. this is only one case out of millions though im sure that are collecting either unemployment or disability.

[jb4]

Originally Posted by Juju

x2. How do I always manage to miss gems such as this though?

well the lack of a source confirmed my suspicion that something was awry so I googled AWNAA (pronounced Awww-naaw I assume ) and saw The Onion article from eleven years ago

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28982

[jey]

So this isn't real? Somehow, I can see this becoming reality. Don't let any politicians get there hands on this or we could be paying a whole new tax.

[vadslram]

It's not new 9 years ago it was in place. a short bus texan was the poster child.

[grogie]

But don't give those clowns any ideas.