Originally Posted by panaceabeachbum
How did you turn the spiders on, by hand or seductive dance?
Lemme tell ya a completely unrelated story about spiders and their seductive dances:
Back when I had my old Cherokee, I used to load it up and take it to the family camping trip every year. Some time near 2003, I as out teaching my sister how to drive on the campground roads. I tell her to stop as something wicked scurried across this single lane ahead of us. It was, in fact, a tarantula.
Mwaahahahaha! (Thunder crashes; scary organ music plays)
Anyways, i always carried a nine iron with me for prodding the fire and I pulled it out of the back and shooed the big hairy spider into a shoe box among the trash in the back of the jeep at the time. As we got back to camp, I was regaling the family with the perilous tales of how I vanquished the spider and captured it as a prisoner
(Another maniacal laugh and some more thunder)
Just as I'm poking it with a stick and dinner is almost finished, a park ranger donned in green and khaki with curly locks and coke bottle glasses saunters up and he asks what's in the box. We tell him (the androgynous aire has left the camp when he spoke though we continued to call him Pat) that its a tarantula recently captured up the hill and its now my pet to stick on my siblings as they sleep.
He gets defensive and tells me that its park property and I'm not allowed to take it. I assure him that my pet probably won't make it through the night as he will be smashed probably as its on someone's face Marv style from home alone. He isn't amused at this point. So I ask him a park ranger-y question as to why this elusive spider is just running around willy nilly and not out stalking some cat or toddler as prey. He explains that its mating season. (And here's where it gets creepy, folks!)
Mister park ranger is quite fond of all flora and fauna especially when it comes time to make little baby flora and fauna. Great expense was exerted and no detail was omitted as he intricately described the mating process of these dying Arachnids. There is a scent trail that they follow, then a meeting, then a game of cat and mouse. Then comes the gross part. They "dance" back and forth using their numerous legs as hand holds in some sort of tango. More like whiskey tango foxtrot. My interpretation is that momma is saying no and daddy is gonna be facing 20 years for forcing himself. I'm not versed on animal law. However the way ranger man waved his arms back and forth showing the "dance" they do and muttering like Milton from office space "I like to watch them dance" "You should watch them dance with me". Enter the heebie jeebies and the makings of an episode of svu.
Anyways I told him he was creepy and he left but not without telling me I could donate him to the visitors center by the lake. So I did. And Nick the Tarantula danced alone until his death in 2004.
Long winded story but someone had to tell it. Now, to go back and fix that misplaced modifier...